


Ode to Xenu

by dgalerab



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alcohol, I... don't know what else to say about this, Lots of mentions of sex but never gets there, M/M, Scientology Roleplay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-13
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-10-31 09:12:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10896237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dgalerab/pseuds/dgalerab
Summary: Look, we all know Oikawa knows an absurd amount of facts about Scientology. Let's not beat around the bush.





	Ode to Xenu

**Author's Note:**

> I know nothing about Scientology so you know. This what I could find on Wikipedia in the 10 minutes I was willing to dedicate to this.

When he heard Oikawa try to kick down the door, that’s when Iwaizumi should have just climbed out the window and escaped.

And yet, for some reason, like an _idiot_ , he just sits and waits patiently while Oikawa presumably figures out he can’t kick down the door, fiddles with the handle extensively, and then burst in like he’d kicked down the door, triumphant.

“Oh gods,” Iwaizumi sighs.

“Iwa-chan,” Oikawa declares, sounding very high and mighty for someone who is barely upright. “Let’s roleplay.”

“Uh,” Iwaizumi says, because this is the guy who got Iwaizumi to pretend to be an alien while stone cold sober.

“I… will be… the naïve and budding scientologist,” Oikawa says, while Iwaizumi considers moving to Canada, “and you will brainwash me.”

“How fucking drunk are you,” Iwaizumi says.

“I… am… barely drunk,” Oikawa says, running into the door in his attempt to close it.

“Alright,” Iwaizumi says. As time goes by he is getting less and less willing to argue with Oikawa, and that could be troublesome, but hell. “How about I brainwash you into going to bed.”

Oikawa drapes himself over the back of the couch in a way that he probably thinks is seductive, but which instead looks more like he’s about to slide off and pass out. “And then what?”

“And then you pass out,” Iwaizumi says.

“Will you use my unconscious body mercilessly in an ode to Xenu?” Oikawa slurs, now sitting on the floor, a trail of drool staining the back of the couch where he’d slid down.

“Ok even _I_ know that’s not a thing scientology does,” Iwaizumi sighs, leaping over the back of the couch to haul Oikawa into his arms. Given that Oikawa’s limbs are flopping all over the place, he mostly just manages to get his upper body over one shoulder and the other arm around Oikawa’s thigh. Oikawa’s elbow is in his nose and there is no dignity left in any of this, for either of them. “It’s not a thing they do, right?”

“You gotta… locate my engrams,” Oikawa says, as Iwaizumi starts towards the bedroom. “I got… a few ideas for where you can… put your e-meter.” He bursts into giggles.

“I don’t want to know what you’re talking about,” Iwaizumi sighs, tossing him on the bed.

“Hypnotize me and take advantage of my dianetic reverie,” Oikawa demands.

“You’re feeling _veeeery_ sleepyyyy,” Iwaizumi says, as he tugs Oikawa’s shirt off. “Oooooo.”

Oikawa falls back onto the bed. “I _am_ feeling sleepy,” he slurs, seeming fascinated by the idea.

“Oh my gods,” Iwaizumi groans, tugging off Oikawa’s pants.

Unfortunately, Oikawa is still awake enough to hook a leg around Iwaizumi’s waist and pull him in, seeming very proud of himself. “Iwa-chan,” he groans, grinding up into Iwaizumi’s crotch. “Tell me about Operating Thetan.”

“How could I possibly know enough about that shit to tell you about it?” Iwaizumi says.

“You’re disappointing Xenu,” Oikawa says, a tad too severely.

Iwaizumi does his best not to laugh into his face. “Oikawa,” he says, almost without laughing. “This is not dirty talk and you are _way_ too drunk for sex.”

“I am _not_ ,” Oikawa groans. “I’m hypnotized, remember?” He pulls at Iwaizumi clumsily, trying to get him to, by the looks of things, ravish his armpit.

“Oikawa,” Iwaizumi manages, struggling out of Oikawa’s side. He’s _definitely_ laughing now. He considers arguing, but there’s no way Oikawa will let this go now. “You’re right. I was just testing you. Sounds like you’re too aware for me to… assess your… whatever levels or gods know what shit…”

“ _Xenu_ knows what shit,” Oikawa corrects helpfully.

“Of _course_ ,” Iwaizumi says. “So I’m going to need you to close your eyes and sink back into that feeling… just relaaaax…” He gives it time, brushing at Oikawa’s hair, only moving away when he hears a snore. “You’re such a weirdo,” he whispers, kissing Oikawa’s forehead.

-X-

Oikawa wakes like a zombie rising out of his grave. “Ohhhhhh gods what the fuck did I do last night, headbutt an elephant?” he whines. His hair is sticking up every which way, there’s drool drying on his chin and his under eye circles seem to be at least one part smudged, raccoon-like eyeliner. Nonetheless, Iwaizumi is still just as in love with him as ever.

“I think you mean,” Iwaizumi declares, “oh _Xenu_ what did you do?”

Oikawa stares at him, mouth fallen open. “Did we get converted into scientology while I was drunk last night?” he asks, horrified.

“Oh, no, you did,” Iwaizumi says. “I’m your auditor. I looked it up, you owe me 2000 dollars. That’s about 226,750 yen. I will accept payment in tofu.”

“What?” Oikawa manages.

“Also, you’re a massive loser,” Iwaizumi says. “Sorry. The e-meter said so.”

Oikawa looks away, staring in front of himself. “I think,” he says slowly, mulling it over, “that I need to puke.”

“You have fun with that,” Iwaizumi says, ruffling his tragic hair. “Bucket is by the bed.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> My finest work. Someone bury me.
> 
> Please leave a comment or come talk to me on [Tumblr](http://dgalerab.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
